Rummaging

“Rummaging in our souls, we often dig up something that ought to have lain there unnoticed.”  Leo Tolstoy

I could not have found a quote that better described the last several hours of my life.

I have spent them rummaging in my soul.

This type of inner searching is not for everyone.

You have to go into it willing to turn over everything and look behind anything.

You discount and tear away from all that you care about, then grasp back what you can not live without.

If you go looking for truth, it does not always look like it should.

And once you find truth, it may not be the wisest choice to express it.

Which is one of the most disappointing things about rummaging in your soul.

You can’t really share what you find.

Let me add something at this point, if you are looking for websites, blogs, articles that feature warm, fuzzy feel good stories that you might also find in other places, you should probably be looking in those other places.

I have always found that most, again, most people respond to gut wrenching, tearing out your heart honesty.

That is what most people, not in denial, are dealing with anyway.

They are also rummaging.

In the last seven hours I have addressed the following issues, in no order of sequence or priority.

What and who I love.

The repressed jealousy for each of those.

The revealing of reality for the future.

The sadness.

The anger.

The hurt.

The boasting of confidence and the lack also of the same.

The secrets, both sacred and not.

The passion of the body, soul and spirit.

The words, “No.”, “Never.” and “Done.” turn into “Yes.”, “Forever.” and “Always.”

Denying that which if brought before a jury would be so easily proven.

Tolstoy says that maybe we ought to have left what lain there unnoticed.

Impossible.

What is worse?

To find that which you are passionate about and be unable to take it as yours, or to have no passion in life whatsoever and not even know what lay hidden right in front of you.

When I communicate with writers of books, writers of songs, and artists, if they ask me what I like to read, or listen to, or see, I say this…

…”I want to see your heart, guts and soul displayed and splattered all over your book, your song and your canvas, right in front of me.  Rip your chest open and show me what is inside.”

Extreme?

Considerably.

Isn’t that however, what we ask God to do when we are rummaging in our own souls?

We want to see the heart of God so that we might better understand our own.

We want to know the pain he suffered and continues to.

Do you actually think that God remains at such an emotional distance from us that he can not feel the turmoil that besets each one of us?

What would be the point of serving a God like that?

When you go rummaging, don’t be ashamed or afraid.

I have said things today, that I wish I could take back.

I have not said things today, that I wish I had five more minutes to express.

In your rummaging you may find yourself at such a vulnerable place, as I did today, that you want to tear your chest open so that others might see you with nothing hidden.

And in that vulnerability and your honesty before God, you may find yourself, “Coming boldly to the very throne of God and staying there to receive his mercy and to find grace to help you in your time of need.”  Hebrews 4:16

John